A Much Needed Hiatus

I'm freezing this morning.  Just let me say that.
This sucks.  In Carolina yesterday it was 70 degrees, by the time I landed back at O'Hare the windchill was near 25.  Not much better this morning either.  I actually had to scrape the ice off both front and back windows of my car.  One more thing to be thankful for, that fleece lined ice scraper mitt from Eddie Bauer I bought on a whim two weeks ago.  That thing is going to be my best friend over the next three months.

By the time Wednesday night rolled around last week I was more or less coming out of my skin from travel-itch.  I hate being confined to one area (although adulthood and my current situation demands more of it than I want to give) and if I'm not road tripping or flying somewhere at least once every 6-8 weeks, I'm flipping my skull.

Anyhow.  My Thanksgiving was fantastic.  I don't know who cooked the bird this year but it was the best I think I've ever had.  My Aunt Suzi didn't disappoint with her homemade bread & sweet tea either. Finally got to meet my little niece Raegan.  She's four months old now.  I looked at my cousin Matt (who is for all intents and purposes my big brother, without explaining years of family events/deaths/turmoils/history, we're just that close and always have been) and said "Look what you did!"  She's gorgeous, too.  Going to be a redhead just like her Daddy, her Grandma, and my Daddy.  I noticed, somehow and somewhere along the line, the chemistry of my family grew up.  It's not the "grandkids" and the "aunts & uncles" anymore.  Now my Dad's generation are the elders, and the grandkids all have kids.  Except for myself.  But, being the youngest by a good 8 years and not being in any hurry... clearly.  This is the biggest juxtaposition of my world in the city and my world "back home".  I've always had the "if it happens, it happens" approach to all forms and fashions of love, children, and romance.  Which is not at all understood in small town Appalachia.  Girls are trained to be wives and mothers.  And though I'm fairly confident I would have no problem stepping into those roles, I don't seek it out as taught.  Whereas in Chicago, that's completely okay.  Matthew asked me when it would be my turn.  When I replied that "although I'd like to have a family, I'm not hell bent on seeking it out... I have other things to do first" the contorted look on his face would have you believe I spoke Esperanto.  Which is ironic, given just two years ago he was the biggest tomcat in the twin counties.  (Doubly ironic coming from me, given just two years ago I was one canceled flight away from eloping.)  He's going to be a great Daddy, though.  Clearly the passing along of genetic material and last name agrees with him.  That little tumble of grinning giggles is his world now.  I couldn't be happier for him.

With that said, it's back to reality this morning.  And I'm damn sure the only bells I hear are Christmas ones... (Thankfully I had the good taste to never mention that I'm not sold on the Americanized legality that these kids romanticize into the idea of "marriage".  Sort of how one shouldn't need a fear of god/gods/Zuul to be a good person... I don't think true love requires a notarized certificate.  But, that, kiddos... that is another post for another time.)

(End transmission.)

I. Don't. Know.

The universe is weird again.  Tense, shy, turbulent.  Like she's holding her breath.

For days now I've been brewing a storm of every emotion conjurable and snippets of unfinished thought that meander restlessly in and out of my recollection.  This doesn't happen to me often.  But it usually means one of two things, there's a lot I'm feeling inside that I can't admit to yet, or it's something so special that the mere thought of bringing into cognition will strip some of that purity away.

I don't know.

I wish I did.  My gut is telling me not to talk about it.  Some periods in life are so rare and amazing that sharing it while you're still in the moment, if even at all detracts from the overall point and there you fail the lesson.

I don't know.

...So, until further notice.  Pardon me if I seem a bit weird.  I'm in a strange place keeping to myself.

The Handbag of Hypocrisy: From Burberry

I'm not big on "things" and "stuff".  I got over label envy and being cool years ago.  My idea of cool is not having a bunch of stuff aroung tying me down, and having as much saved up as I can manage to work towards the future and whatever she may hold.  But every now and then I like to reward myself with a little treat.  An "atta girl", if you will.

I've worked hard.  More than that, the past year.  I just do and do and do and never look up until I realize there's snow on the ground or the summer sun is boiling down.  Ask me what day it is.  I can't even tell you.  I saw this handbag at the mall Saturday night.  Tonight I bought it.  With the matching wallet.

I won't say how much the total was, but it was a lot.  The most I've ever "splurged" on myself.

But it made me happy.  It was nice and shiny and smells like class!  Then out of nowhere I couldn't stop thinking about starving children, kids who don't have coats with winter stalking us.  Yes, I may deserve something nice.  But does that mean I should have it?  "Who am I to be blind pretending not to see their needs?"  This bag makes me a hypocrite. 

So I'm returning it to Nordstrom tomorrow after work.  I decided to take the money and instead use it to buy loads of warm clothes for the three angel tree kids I've adopted this year.  And maybe a latte.  

I feel like an ass.

Life changes have surprises.  You think, "Oh this will be easy.  I got this."  And somewhere along the way you sneak up on yourself and like a suckerpunch in the dark, you do one thing, like buying a purse and it shakes your world around.  I said to my roommate verbatim, "Am I going to be serious about myself or am I just going to flap around with ideology and inaction?" 

I have a handbag.  It's old, but you know what... it holds my wallet, keys, sunglasses, and paraphernelia of similar sorts.  And that's all I need.  I've been blessed and I want to share that.  No... I AM sharing that.  Hah.

Sayonara, satchel.