Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Rock Gospel According to Rhiannon

<---- It exists.  The Rock Bible.  I saw it perusing the shelves at Barnes & Noble today.  Pretty hilarious book; pretty true in observations.

This got me to thinking about if I could write my own Gospel of Rock (without blaspheming the code) what would I say?  Surely I have observed a bit over the years.

*Disclaimer:  Though I by no means claim to know what I'm talking about, this is all just my opinion based on actual experiences.





The Rock Gospel According to Rhiannon
Know Thy Place

1.  You are not with the band if you tell people you're with the band.  In fact, unless you are in the band or carrying equipment you're not with the band.
2.  There are two categories of people with the band, members and crew.  There are two categories of people who aren't with the band but are treated as if they are, "band family" and real family.  There are two categories of people who aren't with the band but think they are, groupies and stans.
3.  If you don't know which category you fall into, you're in the last two.
4.  Never ask to be put on the list.
5.  If you're worthy of being on the list, you'll be on it.  Whether you've been asked if you're coming to the show or not.  Chances are, the person working the door knows you anyway and this won't be an issue.
6.  If you're not on the list but think you're supposed to be.  Don't argue with the door, you're not supposed to be.  Suck it up, fork out the dough for the cover/ticket, and support the band you love.
7.  Should you show up to every show, congratulations, you're a groupie.  (Assuming you aren't with the band.)
8.  He's not going to call you back.  If he does, it just means it's a slow night.
9.  If you must sleep with a band member, understand you're a one-night stand.  Be safe, and don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to be "the one".  You're "the one that night".  Any attempts to convince him otherwise will mark you as crazy and will land you on the BOLO list.  
10.  The "BOLO" list is short for "Be on the look-out".  Consider it equivalent to America's Most Wanted list.  If you're on it, someone either wants to sleep with you or avoid you.  And depending on which, you will either be backstage or stageblocked.
11.  If you're dating someone in the band, that does not put you in any position of power.  You're a groupie with creds and most likely need to get tested when he gets back from that gig in (insert far away city that you couldn't attend here).  Be nice to the fans, and don't freak out when your guy stage-flirts.  This is his job.  Let him work.
12.  If you're married to someone in the band, good luck.  You must be special; it's going to take a lot of patience, trust, understanding, and sacrifice to make it work.  The road ahead of you isn't an easy one.
13.  Never re-tell any stories that you're not sure are okay to tell.  Even if the story involves you and is about your life, don't break the code.
14.  Learn the code.  It will make you a better person.
15.  Don't corner a band member after the show to make small-talk.  It's late, they're tired, think of how you'd feel if a random person cornered you in your office at 5:00 to discuss your job.  
16.  If you're there to have a good time and enjoy the music, thank you.
17.  Buy merch.  This ensures you can continue coming out and having a good time enjoying the music. Yes, it is appreciated you came out, but the real money is made at the merch table and if you like what you hear, show your appreciation and buy an album.  
18.  Fans should not go on the internet and split hairs critiquing the show on public message boards, YouTube comments, or blogs.  If you know so much about it, by all means, get up there and give it a go.  "Sucks" is a subjective term.  Remember music is art.  Not a means for you to bullshit like you know what you're talking about to impress people who are gullible enough to listen.  If you do have an opinion on the show and do know what you're talking about, you'll probably have enough respect for the artist or band to do it privately.  They have enough criticism coming their way from themselves and journalists.  Be a respectful fan, not a poser know-it-all.  They don't come to Subway and tell you you could've done a better job slicing that bread.
19.  Don't fool yourself, if you're trying to wiggle your way "in", it's not going unnoticed.  No need to sneak off to the bathroom and somehow give yourself a bloody nose so the lead singer carries you across the threshold of the medical tent like his Carrie-bride.  Everyone knows you're faking it and using someone's kind nature to earn a little face-time.  (Based on a true story.)
20.  Being cool, respectful, and normal goes a long way.
21.  Don't ask an artist who has been around for a while why they're still touring, implying they do it for the money.  In the words of Tommy Shaw, "You don't ask your plumber why he's still fixing pipes, do you?  I'm out here because I want to be."
22.  There is a LOT of drama around bands.  Get used to it and be prepared.
23.  Remember it's just about the music.  Rock out & rock on.